Fired.

No, no, not me!! 

I fired my therapist.  I'd felt like I wasn't really getting much out of it for awhile, but the previously mentioned austerity plan gave me the impetus that I needed to actually do it. 

I generally find that going to therapy can be helpful.  I get to talk about the various things going on in my life to someone who doesn't judge, try and fix things, and isn't personally invested, but will, at times, ask a pointed question so that I can maybe look at things from a different angle.  Sure, I've got some deeper stuff that could be dealt with, but I don't go to dredge up the old stuff unless it's impeding the way I handle things today. 

I haven't really clicked with a therapist in awhile.  I attribute part of it to my being a therapist myself - I am constantly thinking about what they might be thinking about me.  This is not a helpful habit.  But when, last year sometime, I decided I ought to have someone 'from the outside' to talk to, I found Dr. K.  Again, I didn't click, but did find it useful for some time. 

The first breakdown came on Memorial Day.  It is not a holiday for my work, but as I am a veteran, and as Mozart's daycare was closed, I took the day off to spend with him, go to the parade and generally give thanks for those who have lost their lives while serving our country.  And also to be thankful that my time in the service, for as much of a hardship as it was (that is a long story that I will not go into), did not entail me being deployed, seeing combat, or losing any friends.  I still had my appointment with Dr. K that evening and while I didn't have anything pressing I wanted to talk about the above was generally on my mind.  She had emailed me to confirm that she was open though it was a holiday.  On arrival she made some mention of confirming that she was still working and I said something to the effect that we all have to make a living and it must be hard being in private practice and not having holidays.  And she said, "Well, it's not a real holiday anyway." 

Yeah.  Ok, so it might not be a real holiday to you, Lady, but it sure as hell is a real holiday.  It might not be marked by Hallmark with materialism and merchandising, but it is very meaningful for a great number of people and should be meaningful for a great number more. 

I did not say any of this.  Instead I shut down my pensive thoughts of the day and talked about inconsequential crap that had gone on since the last visit. 

The next breakdown was when I came in upset about having to pull Mozart out of his previous daycare due to their dog's bad behavior and the owners failure to address it.  Had it simply been a dog being rambunctious, I could have overlooked it, but it was clear that the dog wasn't safe around kids and something needed to be done.  I loved that daycare.  Mozart loved that daycare.  It broke my heart that we were having to pull him out of it.  I had consulted with friends, vets, and others and was already clear that it was the right thing to do for the safety of my child.  And I was very disappointed that the daycare provider wasn't taking the safety of the other children into account.  All this said, and me being upset, and what does Dr. K do?  Defends the dog and then the owner/daycare provider. 

Again, I was speechless.  And a little offended.  I tried to address this with her and she continued to make the same defense.  I ignored it.  As a therapist, I knew that this was not helpful.  I knew that this unresolved difference could jade further interactions if not dealt with.

We've had several sessions since.  Each of them being not-quite-so-helpful.  And sometimes resulting in me muttering on my way to the car.

So, yeah, it was time.  As far as closings go, it was - just. Off.   I came away, muttering again, and thinking that either Dr. K just absolutely doesn't get me, or she is in the beginning stages of dementia - what with the repetitions, asking how to spell my very easy last name, forgetting to send statements...  And then I feel guilty that I'm having these thoughts...  Alas, I still have some therapizing needs doing.  But for now I'll blog.  I'll talk to my health coach.  I'll play with Mozart.  These things make me feel good.  And generally, I don't go away muttering.